Trepidation

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Have you ever been told:
   “You come into this world alone
     And you leave this world alone”
These were the lyrics to a song I would play in my head over and over again.
Trying to convince myself over and over again
That being alone makes me strong.

Singing this song, I assumed would give me power.
But after that hour
I was still bored
And alone.

Sometimes I wish I could clone myself.
The reflection of the abundant love I give others reflected onto myself.
The care that I use to take care
Of those who abuse me, reflected onto myself.
I wish I could love myself as much as I love them.
So when them are not around I’d be fine.
I’d be inclined to submerge myself into myself.
They always say:

    “Check yourself before you wreck yourself

But the problem is me believing
That having no friends leaves me bleeding
With my heart on the table
Looking at me in my face
Gushing the words
Why didn’t you love me
My skin peeling off my body
Engraving the words
Like tattoos
My breasts jumping off my chest, dancing a dance that I only knew
She told me she was through
And she was leaving me too.
My belly jiggled like jelly
And etched the words hater
Into its self.

All of these images I put on a shelf in the back of my mind
But my drive to please others before I please myself
Keeps them on that shelf
Until the cards have been dealt.

My fear of loneliness is everything short of bliss
It’s like I’m a walking contradiction
Addicted to the attention
Of someone else’s company.
But I am no attention hog,
I just love being needed
That’s where I get my self worth
Whether you need me or we need me
That’s just how it works.
If I’m not needed there is no need for me.

Then what is my purpose?

I can’t be wrong because the people who need me expect me to be right
It is a constant fight between my heart and my mind.

Where is the boundary line?
When can I say enough is enough?

But the constant reminder of failure makes me never give up
Man its rough
Finding my self worth in others
But one day I’ll be able to confidently stand alone.
Until then I’ll be dreaming of my well deserved throne.

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2 thoughts on “Trepidation

  1. I am in LOVE WITH TREPIDATION. I can relate so much to the author/ writer of that spoken word. Its a pain that only resonates with the person’s soul, (who’s being affected) and in other’s brains, it just another nuance of humanity unknown… way to suck me in!!! i cant wait to read more!

    Liked by 1 person

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